What Did You Expect?

The 13toMan seminar uses the 4 principles of manhood as stated in Robert Lewis' book Raising A Modern Day Knight. I strongly recommend this book to any father of a son. The fourth, and last part of our definition of a man is - a real man expects the greater reward.

I must admit that my simple mind didn't grasp this one right off. I guess I understood it, but when I taught it to the first 13toMan group I don't think I conveyed it very well. Expecting the greater reward sums up a man living beyond this world. It is the reason you put the shopping cart back where it goes instead of leaving it by your car. It is the reason you help someone that has no way to pay you back. It is the reason we go to the trouble of teaching our kids about God.

Expecting the greater reward is doing what is right when it is easier to do what is wrong. It's giving up what we can get now because we believe there is something higher than ourselves.

As we all know our culture loves to be satisfied now. Ultimately I guess it all comes down to selfishness. As I teach the kids in my Bible study class - the opposite of love is selfishness. A real man exhibits true, selfless love for those around him and expects nothing in return.

Dads, how do you model the expectation of the greater reward for your sons?

Follow the Leader

The 13toMan seminar uses the 4 principles of manhood as stated in Robert Lewis' book Raising A Modern Day Knight. I strongly recommend this book to any father of a son. The third part of our definition of a man is - a real man leads courageously.

Looking back again at Adam - he was created to be a leader but blew it pretty early. He failed to lead and protect his family when it was needed the most.

Jesus was just the opposite. He demonstrated leadership in the wilderness while being tempted. He demonstrated leadership by serving His selfish bickering disciples. Then to top things off He demonstrated leadership by laying down His life for His creation.

Some equate leadership with telling others what to do. Others obtain leadership and then power by deceit.

Jesus gives us a picture of a hungry man turning down the cheap trick challenge of a tempter and the shortcut that could have saved Him from suffering on the cross.

Men, how can we teach our sons to be leaders?

The R Word

The 13toMan seminar uses the 4 principles of manhood as stated in Robert Lewis' book Raising A Modern Day Knight. I strongly recommend this book to any father of a son. The second part of our definition of a man is - a real man accepts responsibility.

I stood in the hall of the hospital in Des Moines alone. We had moved there just a few months earlier so we didn’t have many close relationships. Family was on the way from Texas. My wife had just given birth to our first child. After they checked my daughter out and bathed her she slept in the hospital nursery. My wife was resting also. I was completely alone. I realized in those few minutes that I was responsible for my little girl. I had no one to ask what to do next. I clearly remember the feeling of parental responsibility for the first time.

Being a man means that we accept the responsibility that God has given us. In John 4, Jesus' disciples are concerned about Him and try to get Him to eat. His response accepts the responsibility of a man. "My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me, and accomplish His work."

Quoting Lewis "... the wise father will train his son to embrace these with enthusiasm: a will to obey (God's will as revealed in the scriptures), a work to do (not just the work of his job, but also the work in his home, church, and community), and a woman to love (his wife)."

We all know the guy at work that never accepts responsibility when things go wrong. Men in our culture (and most others too I would imagine) blame everyone else but themselves for the ills around us. Obviously we live in a broken, fallen world. It is much easier for our boys to learn to become men that accept responsibility from us than any other way.

DC Talks' song In The Light phrases it well.

I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior

Dads, what ways are you using to teach your boys to accept responsibility? Are you doing a good job of modeling it?

Rejected

The 13toMan seminar uses the 4 principles of manhood as stated in Robert Lewis' book Raising A Modern Day Knight. I strongly recommend this book to any father of a son. The first part of our definition of a man is - a real man rejects passivity.

Pre-teen and teenage boys are exceptionally passive. Well, that's not exactly true. They are hyped up on the wonderful little chemical testosterone. It causes us males to do some stupid things. I noticed with my sons as they approached puberty that they started challenging me. My oldest would come up behind me and try to pin my arms to my sides. It's the male way of sizing himself up in a safe environment. This wonderful hormone sometimes does our thinking for us. And it makes young men far from passive.

But with all this chemically fueled aggression men can become passive when we are asked to lead spiritually or take up a social cause.

Why is this? I'm not exactly sure, but I bet it goes back to the story of the fall of man. Talking serpent arrives in garden. Talking serpent starts sweet talking woman. Talking serpent convinces her to do one of the things she is not allowed to do. So where was Adam? Possibly naming a few late coming animals? Not according to Genesis. Go ahead and read the first part of Genesis 3. Go ahead, I'll wait. There it is in verse 6. She gave some to her husband who was there with her. So what did our hero Adam do? Was he bothered by the freaky talking serpent? Did it bother him that his wife was being led astray? Seems unlikely since he ate what she gave him.

It appears that it is pretty natural for us men to drop the ball when we need to step up spiritually. Someone threatens our family's safety - we are ready to grab the gun. But threaten the family spiritually and we can't be bothered to put down the remote. Threaten our society with racism, greed or another social ill? If we can't blow it up or shoot it then we might miss SportsCenter.

Jesus was the opposite of Adam. When he was challenged spiritually he responded by doing what we couldn't. He conquered the threat to humanity's spiritual life.

To quote Lewis "Real manhood begins with a decision to reject social and spiritual passivity when nothing is the more comfortable and natural option."

Dads, how do our sons see us? Are we spiritually passive? When we are faced with an issue of social justice do we get involved or leave it to someone else? Honestly I look at myself as pretty passive most of the time. Just writing out the ideas in this blog the last couple of weeks has brought out areas where I don't reject passivity. I haven't put as much work as I should into teaching my youngest son to be a man. When it comes to social justice I am involved in a couple of things, but I could teach my son much more about spreading the kingdom of God with a little more effort. Anyone else want to tell us how you deal with rejecting passivity?

The Long Birth of 13toMan

As my oldest son grew up, my desire to help him become a Godly man also developed. It started when I heard a speaker at a conference talking about making a list of things that young men should be able to do when the leave home. This led to a discussion with a Bible study group. This led to a long lag in development because life crept back in. As my son got older I ran across a book that really cemented my desire to teach my son to be a man also also an interest in assisting other dads in the journey.

Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis went way beyond what I had been thinking. And yes I did read the whole book.

Lewis likens raising sons to the training and development of a knight. It should be intentional. It should build character. It should equip him for the future. It should be special and full of ceremony. Now I will admit some of the knight imagery was a bit corny for me but I'm an adapter so that was no problem.

As summer approached when my oldest son was 13 I started to get ready to do something, but honestly I wasn't sure what it was going to be. I asked some friends to join me on a trip to Colorado with our sons to start the process of welcoming them into manhood. Much to my surprise the accepted. I picked up the book again and over the course of a few days the plan just poured out. Honestly I'm not that creative, I really consider it a God thing. What I ended up with and what we used on the trip is what I now call 13toMan.

Over the next few posts I will cover the definition of a man we use in the 13toMan seminar which happens to be based on Robert Lewis' principles in the book. It is something the boys going through the program learn (5 years later my son still knows it.) It is something they should be able to explain to others. It is something that gives them a guideline as they make the journey into manhood.

Sign the Contract

My wife is a reader, me not so much. When it became apparent that our oldest daughter was going to soon become a teenager, my wife began to read books on how to parent this strange and new to us creature. She would read the books and I would try to read as much as I could. Having her point out the high points helped.

One of the high points was an idea that is very helpful in our goal of turning our young sons into Godly men. I don’t remember the book title or even all the details (I’ll search for it one of these days and get back to you with the specifics.) The gist of it was that we should have goals for our kid’s development. At a specific point in time (birthday, start of school year, New Years day…) parent and growing kid sit down and make the plan for the next year. What are the goals for the year academically, spiritually, socially? What new responsibilities will be given? What new freedoms will be earned? What is the reward when everything has been accomplished? Once all has been decided a contract is created and signed by parents and growing kid.

While I'm not much of a reader I am a really good adapter. I like to use others ideas and adapt them to my situation. We started out with something that went along with the book with our oldest daughter. I will say that the results were somewhat mixed. Along the way it became more adapted to specific situations. I will also have to admit that I have become a little lazy as a parent with my younger kids. I think I could do a better job of fathering if I put a little more effort into this with #s 3 – 5 in planning their growth.

So, how can you adapt this idea for your family? What steps can you map out for the growth of your son to a man? We all need a plan. Sharing our plan with others can help all of us as dads.

I'm Not A Doctor, But I Play One On TV

I am not a parenting expert and I don't even play one on TV. I have made some good parenting moves and some bad ones. Right now I think I'll focus on one of the better ones.

When my oldest son was around 11 I started talking to him about growing up. We discussed body changes, attitude changes and the wonderful world of responsibility. One day on the way to a Texas Rangers game I decided to drop a big part of being a man on his small self.

I told him that when I was not home that he was the man of the house. If I was at work or out of town it was his responsibility to do what needed to be done. Mom was still in charge and he didn't get to boss around his siblings but he was the man.

This conversation seemed to start a change in him. He was still as 11 year old goofy as ever but when my wife or I needed him to do something he was (usually) ready and willing. He took ownership in being the earthly protector and the man who got things done.

As fathers it is important for us to hand over some of our responsibility, and for lack of a better word power, to our sons.

What responsibilities have you been able to hand over to your sons? What things should our sons be able to handle?